


just like a rich kid in a candy store

by rywaen



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Domestic, Fluffy, Humor, M/M, Shopping, idk it's tony being tony in a grocery store
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-14
Updated: 2012-08-14
Packaged: 2017-11-12 03:09:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/486005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rywaen/pseuds/rywaen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony and Bruce go grocery shopping, and unfortunately, it turns out just how anyone would expect it to. Horribly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	just like a rich kid in a candy store

**Author's Note:**

> Written for my friend [teawithturtle](http://teawithturtle.tumblr.com/) who requested a bit of domestic science boyfriends fic where they go shopping! So, here's the result of that~

"What the fuck are you doing?" Tony's asked, voice raspy and unused from sleep. He stared at Bruce from across the room, the question still hanging between them as Bruce walked out of the bathroom and pulled his slacks up, fastening them securely around his waist. He didn't spare Tony a glance until he had a clean shirt on as well, buttoning it up and tucking it into his pants.

"I'm getting dressed. I know it's somewhat revolutionary, but I've decided to try it for once," Bruce teased him, cracking a smile when he saw how Tony's hair was sticking up at every angle and his eyes were still squinted from the small amount of light that bled in through the windows that created the wall closest to their bed. Through it, the beautiful Californian sunrise was tinting the whole sky a glorious array of colors; red, orange, yellow. Tony didn't give it even a quick glance, but Bruce had made sure to give it a long look when he first woke up, enjoying it more every day he was here.

"Okay, let me rephrase that question then, for the sake of time. _Why_ are you getting dressed? You're supposed to be doing your job as both my pillow and my teddy bear, Bruce," Tony informed him, pouting quite petulantly when Bruce seemed to practically ignore him, buttoning up his shirt.

"I don't think that's in my official job description, Tony."

"The fuck it isn't. It's in your contract."

"No, it is not."

"Yes, it is. I have proof. I'll get Jarvis to show you if you don't believe me. Right in there with the rest of your file. It's official. I can even get Fury to sign it if you want. You know, note from the principal or whatever."

Bruce only rolled his eyes, which Tony saw and went into another huff. They gave each other a long stare, Bruce smirking while Tony's pout got increasingly dramatic.

"You should get up too," Bruce suggested, making his way back into the connected bathroom. Tony made a disgruntled noise from under the covers and Bruce looked out to see him wedged in further.

"Give me one good reason," Tony challenged, his voice muffled by the blankets he had burrowed into, clearly not believing he could.

"If you get up and go to the store with me, I'll blow you as soon as we get back home," he offered, running the hot water so that he could shave.

There was a moment of silence from the bedroom, Tony letting the option roll around. "Just how I like it?"

"Just how you like it, Tony. Hair pulling and all," Bruce confirmed as he dragged the blade across his cheek. He ran the blade under the hot water as he heard a shuffle and thump from their bedroom. He smirked and stepped back to see Tony getting to his feet, his hair everywhere.

He tugged his pants up his legs, almost tripping oh so gracefully in his haste. Bruce finished shaving as Tony walked in, stopping behind him to wind his arms around his middle.

"You're lucky you give the best head I've ever had," Tony whispered into his ear, making him grin.

"Oh, I just think myself fortunate to have such a great dick to practice with," Bruce told him, watching Tony smile behind him in the mirror.

"You're such an ass," Tony told him, clearly meaning it as praise.

"Mm, hate you too, dear," Bruce returned before slipping out of Tony's grasp. "Get dressed and ready to go, we're out of food and I was planning on making curry tonight."

"Yeah, yeah, fuckin' bossy dick," Tony muttered as Bruce walked out, leaving him to finish getting ready without him there as a distraction.

Tony showered and dressed, trudging out into the living room in a pair of dark jeans and a Black Sabbath shirt with a blazer that he adjusted on his shoulders as he emerged to see Bruce typing on the phone he had given him for Christmas last year. Well, technically he had made it, then he gave it to him with all of his favorite apps and things pre-programmed into it. He also _might've_ programed a wireless uplink to Jarvis in it for him. He approached the other scientist from behind, leaning his chin on his shoulder to see what he was writing.

"Eggs, chicken, rice, stock, you mean we're really going food shopping?"

"Yes, we're really going food shopping."

"Like...in a grocery store?"

"That would be the place, yes."

Tony made a face at the thought of it and Bruce nudged him with his shoulder to get him to stop. 

"C'mon, it won't be that bad."

"That's what you think," Tony grumbled and Bruce made a point to ignore him and instead he made his way to the garage, grabbing a set of keys as he went. Tony followed after him, grabbing a pair of dark sunglasses on their way out. 

It only took about fifteen minutes to get to the store from their home, mostly due to Tony's tendency to speed, and Bruce had managed to only ask him to slow down once. They pulled into a spot near the front of the store, already managing to attract at least a few long, curious stares, and they both knew it would only get worse from there on out. 

Bruce got out first, still typing out the things he knew they needed on his list before locking his phone and sliding it safely into his pocket as he waited for Tony to round the car so that they could walk in together. The other man joined him after just a moment of waiting, but before he could start towards the storefront, Tony caught his arm and pulled the doctor back and close to him, slotting their hips together. 

"This is a terrible idea. You know that, right?" 

"It's not going to be that bad."

"Yes it is. I'm blaming you if we get swarmed by fans."

"You mean if _you_ get swarmed by fans. No one knows who I am."

"I'm fixing that, by the way."

"I don't need publicity, Tony. Really, that's probably exactly what I _don't_ need."

"Still. You're a hero. You're a genius. You're my boy toy, my main squeeze, sex partner in crime, teddy bear, whatever title you’d rather, actually. You still haven't told me what you like best. You should be ranted and raved about. You know, besides by me. Because, I mean, you're the second smartest man on earth -- that would be right after yours truly, of course."

Bruce rolled his eyes at him as he gave him a wry grin. "I'm quite fine with being an unknown, and I don't think I really need a label, do I?"

Tony gave him a long look, his hands snaking down to grope at Bruce's ass once before he stepped back, sliding his hands in his own pockets with a nod. "Point taken, let's get this over with."

They made their way to the doors, Tony purposely keeping closer to Bruce than he usually would have. It wasn’t that he didn’t _like_ grocery stores, it was just that he’d _never actually been_ in one. Never had the need. Sure, he had made midnight runs for beer or other random things when he was younger, but he’d always made it a top priority to avoid the large stores. He usually preferred to stick to getting his food delivered or just magically showing up where it needed to be, usually by way of Pepper. 

But Pepper was currently doing what was technically his job in New York. It wasn’t that he was avoiding that, or her, or anything really, but she had actually banned him from the conference calls after the last one had gone down. She was supposed to be back by tomorrow night, but Bruce apparently couldn’t wait.

Bruce grabbed them a cart, pushing it with his arms draped across the bar so he could keep his phone in his hands to keep track of the list. He tried to maneuver it around a corner before he got frustrated with it and stepped back, letting Tony take it instead. He gave him an exasperated look when Tony looked between him and the cart for a moment, almost incredulous that he thought that he should be the one to push such a thing, but he gave up as soon as Bruce started walking away without him.

“Alright, so we mostly have to get what’s on the list, but, you know, we can go off-list as well if you see something you want. So, if you see something just-- Tony. Are you even listening? What’s wrong?” 

Tony wasn’t listening. He was too busy looking horrified at the produce section. A small child had just run in front of him and knocked over a few apples, his mother following behind him and putting the apples back in their place before quickly following after the little boy. “Bruce. _Bruce_. Did you see that?” 

Bruce was about to answer, when another small child ran up to the same crate of apples and grabbed one of the ones that had just been on the floor and carried it back to her mother. 

“Are you _shitting_ me? That is disgusting.” 

“Didn’t know you were such a germaphobe, Tony.”

“ _I’m not_ , that’s just entirely unsanitary.” 

Bruce just sighed and grabbed the front of the cart to drag Tony away from the produce, deciding to come back for that later. He pulled him down the first aisle, trying to find the rice that he needed. He let go of the cart and walked to the other side of the aisle, leaving Tony to stand with the cart. 

The billionaire sighed and pushed it back and forth lazily, sliding it forward far enough so that he could lean forward and place his chin on his crossed arms that were against the bar. So far, he didn’t like his first grocery store experience. The best thing about it was what Bruce had promised him for after the fact. 

Bruce walked down the aisle a ways, leaving Tony there, and he sighed again. He perked up after he saw a few kids at the end of the aisle, one of them having commandeered a cart of their own and they were running and jumping up on the bar at the bottom, riding it like a scooter. Tony watched them until they were stopped by their mother and pulled around the corner, then taking a moment to glance down at his own cart. 

He pushed it back and forth for a moment, mentally calculating the weight of the cart versus his own body mass, and how many items would need to be placed in the cart before he could do exactly as the kids had done, without the cart tipping over. He gave a quick glance to the back of Bruce’s head before he started sliding the cart backwards and down to the main aisle, turning it and quickly running to the soda aisle. 

He got there and heard the faint confused call from Bruce when he realized the other man had disappeared. Tony was busy grabbing as many boxes of Bruce’s favorite iced tea, Pepper’s favorite root beer, and his own preferred Coke and piling them in the cart’s flat bottom. He ran the numbers again when he had enough and he grinned widely, looking up to see a woman hurrying her kids away from him when he started chuckling softly. 

Tony banked a hard left, setting himself and his cart at the end of the aisle. He positioned it just right and pushed forward quickly, running past the colorful packages and bottles, jumping up at the perfect moment to ride the cart halfway down the rest of the aisle. He let out a joyful whoop and slid off of the bar when he came to the end, a grin still plastered on his face as he looked around to see if anyone was coming. 

“Okay, now _this_ is actually fun,” he commented to himself, turning the cart back around to see Bruce standing at the other end with a few bags of rice in his arms and a frown on his face. Tony just grinned and repeated the run-jump-ride-jump down of the cart ride, stopping just before he hit Bruce’s hips with the front of the cart. He pulled it to the right, blocking off the aisle and standing directly in front of Bruce, barely even an inch between their noses as he grinned at him.

“Hey, Brucie.”

“You are _actually_ five years old, aren’t you?”

“What? No, this is a completely grown-up pastime.”

“Really?”

“Really. Cross my heart, hope to-”

“You say ‘hope to die’, I just might have to grant that wish for you.”

“Why so tense, Grumpy?”

“Tony, I brought you here so you can help me get things we need, not to play around the store like a five year old on a sugar high.” 

“You’re just jealous.”

“Of what?”

“I’m more fun than you.”

Bruce sighed as he dropped the rice into the basket, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose in frustration. 

“Can you _please_ just work with me here, Tony? It’ll be a whole hell of a lot easier if we both worked toward the same goal,” Bruce pleaded, getting a long, drawn out sigh in return.

“Fiiiiiiine,” Tony replied, grabbing the cart again and straightening it out. Bruce gave him a small smile when he did, stepping close to rest his palm against his cheek.

“Thank you,” Bruce said softly, leaning forward to give him a quick kiss before he pulled away again and glanced down to his phone. “Alright, now for the chicken, eggs, and stock. I should also pick up a few more spices because I’m pretty sure I remember you ‘experimenting’ in the kitchen a few nights ago and using them all.”

Bruce gave him a pointed stare and Tony returned it with a wide grin and a shrug, stating, “What can I say? I’m pie-curious.”

The doctor just groaned at his bad joke and pulled the cart along behind him, Tony snickering as he leaned down against the bar of the cart again. 

They went along like that for awhile, Bruce having decided to go down every aisle, even though they only had a few things on the list, because he didn’t know when they’d be able to get back to the store. He mostly ended up pulling the cart along with Tony standing up on the bar instead of being helpful and doing something like pushing it for him. He didn’t mention it though, rathering that he stay where he was instead of running off again.

If anyone noticed Tony, no one approached them directly, instead preferring to stand back and take pictures with their phones and stare at the couple. Bruce tried to ignore it and keep his head down the best he could, still boldly trying for his ‘unknown’ approach. Of course, it didn’t work, and the people who noticed who they were found that they enjoyed whispering about them as they snapped their pictures and giggled behind their hands.

Bruce was about an inch and a half away from just giving up and leaving with what they had already grabbed, when Tony started noticing the crowd that was following them around. He gave them a winning smile and waved as if he was on the red carpet and not in his faded jeans, a Black Sabbath shirt that Bruce could have sworn he had thrown away, and a dark blazer that really didn’t match any part of his outfit at all, and yet he was pulling it off fabulously. He had thankfully removed his sunglasses and let them hang against his chest while they were shopping, but Bruce had seen him try to reach for them more than once, to which he gave him a tired look. 

“You’re no fun. What happened to your strut, big guy?” Tony asked, leaning close to whisper in his ear as they turned to go down another aisle. 

“I’m plenty of fun, and you of all people know it. I’m just not fond of large masses of people whose sole intention is to follow me,” Bruce told him, purposely not looking back to the very prominent crowd. 

“Wanna see if we can lose ‘em?” Tony asked, giving him a grin that practically screamed mischief. 

“No, I don’t think-- damn it, Tony!” Bruce yelled after him as he wrestled the cart away from him and took off running down the aisle. Bruce growled under his breath, rolling his eyes as he grabbed the noodles he had been considering and he walked after him quickly. 

Bruce paused when he heard a clamber from the next aisle over, and he looked through the shelves to see Tony grinning at him as he rode the cart past him down the next aisle over. Bruce sighed and reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose, fighting the urge to laugh at him since he knew it would do nothing but spur him on to keep this up.

He heard a crash and hurried to the end of the aisle to look down the next one where Tony had been, seeing that he had effectively knocked over a display of candy bars, caught between looking sheepish and pleased with himself. He saw him pick up two handfuls of the candy and throw them into the cart before turning and running away from it to join Bruce again. 

“Did you see that? That’s so unprofessional, they should really get someone to clean that up. I might have to send the manager a complaint about this,” Tony told him conversationally as he walked away from the mess, trying to look as innocent as possible. 

“You’re entirely incorrigible, aren’t you?” 

“Yep, and you love it.”

Bruce couldn’t hide his smirk as Tony grinned at him and placed one foot on the bar of the cart and pushed off the floor like a scooter. The doctor followed after him, giving up on telling him to slow down or come back, knowing that it would be a completely pointless exercise. 

He travelled up and down the aisles, grabbing what they needed and just piling the items up in his arms, ignoring keeping track of Tony. He gave a small smile to a woman standing next to him in front of the boxes of cookies, quickly grabbing a package for both Tony and himself to share while they were working in the lab later.

Bruce was pretty convinced that, by now, his theory about being unknown was wrong. Either that, or everyone had already just labeled him as the man who brought Tony Stark -- and therefore, much destruction and headaches -- to the grocery store. Whichever it was, he was getting an awful lot of long disapproving looks. Knowing his luck, he and Tony would both be placed on the black list for the store and told to never come back when they got to the checkout. 

The billionaire came back around at one point, still riding the cart like a scooter, and Bruce dropped his collected items in the basket when he stopped next to him. He sighed and organized the items in the cart a bit better, raising an eyebrow when he found a package of marshmallows that had been opened and was in the top area of the cart. 

Tony didn’t even have the decency to look sheepish this time, only reaching for the bag and popping another one into his mouth with a smirk. Bruce only rolled his eyes and let him have at it, knowing that it wasn’t like he couldn’t pay for it. It only became a problem when Bruce was trying to calculate the cost of what they already had in the basket, and Tony started throwing the marshmallows at his head. 

“You are actually trying to make me destroy this store, aren’t you?” Bruce asked, still refusing to look at Tony as another marshmallow hit his head and bounced off to roll on the floor.

“Can’t pull that card on me, Bruce, I know you’ve got a lid on Jolly Green,” Tony replied, eating another before he bounced one off of the rim of the doctor’s glasses, making him flinch slightly but still not look up from the items in the cart.

“I will literally break your nose, right here, in the middle of the store, Tony, and you know for a fact I don’t need the other guy to help me do that,” he warned him, causing the projectiles to pause in their attack before he watched the cart be yanked away from him and Tony fast-walked away from him down to the other end and around the corner. 

He turned and decided to just leave him to wander, looking down to see the mess of marshmallows around his feet and he kicked them underneath a display, not wanting to be there when someone else came around. Really, this had turned out to be a lot more trouble than it was worth. Not to mention he knew Tony would still be expecting a _reward_ for making it through. Even though, Bruce should be the one getting a plaque and a goddamn medal with his name engraved on it for being a master of patience and ability to deal with Tony Stark on a daily basis. Pepper, too. But she was the one technically on vacation at the moment, so needless to say, Bruce was somewhat jealous.

Not to say he didn’t love Tony, because, why else would he put up with him so much? But it was a full time job, not to mention the superhero job as well. Bruce could count about four full-time jobs he had, all at once, and he still managed to find time to relax and do his training every few days. How, he would never know.

Bruce found the billionaire again by following the trail of small children eating marshmallows out of their sticky hands, a few others holding them up or cradling them in their palms with a dark black, curving and messy scrawl on them. The doctor froze in the middle of the floor, watching a few children fawning over their marshmallows. 

“ _No,_ he didn’t.”

Oh, but he did. He rounded the corner, finding Tony in the produce section, letting a small group of children have at his almost-empty bag of marshmallows, his legs crossed in front of him as he leaned back against the side of the parked cart. He had a pen out, the cap between his teeth, and he was signing a large marshmallow and handing it to the closest kid. 

“There ya go, genuine signature from the one and only Iron Man. Because, remember kids, War Machine doesn’t count, he stole that one. And stealing is wrong,” Tony lectured, as if he was actually qualified to be saying such a thing to small, impressionable children.

Bruce just gave him a long stare from the end of the aisle, waiting until Tony finally looked up to give him a disapproving frown, and Tony didn’t outwardly react, but Bruce caught the slight twitch at the corner of his lips. He ignored the rest of the children around him and pulled the cart around to walk back over to the doctor. 

“Are you done?” Bruce asked, his tone too light and his smile too friendly. Tony returned the smile, but he could tell that the other man was pissed. He gave him a nod and Bruce led them to the checkout, shoving his hand into his pocket and pulling out his cellphone when it started ringing as they got in line. 

“Hello?” Bruce answered, not having had the presence of mind at that moment to look at the caller ID. 

“ _Has he driven you completely mad yet?_ ” Pepper’s voice spoke light and mocking in his ear and he rolled his eyes.

“You really need to have more confidence in me, Ms. Potts.”

“ _Yeah, well, can you blame me? Where are you two? Jarvis told me you were out._ ” 

“We’re at the store, doing some grocery shopping.”

There was a long moment of silence on Pepper’s end, and during that time, Bruce balanced the phone between his shoulder and his ear to put their items on the conveyer belt for the cashier to check them out. 

“ _You are much braver than I, Doctor Banner, I’ll give you that. Well, it’s either bravery, or stupidity. Did he set the place on fire yet?_ ” 

“No, actually. We did have a few spills, but he’s mostly been compliant. Well, somewhat.”

“ _Well, count your blessings, then. I tried to get him to go to a bookstore with me once in Italy, and he nearly tore down the shelves themselves._ ”

“I find it kind of, I don’t know, endearing, I suppose. Maybe charming’s a better word for it,” Bruce said with a shrug, putting the last of the food on the belt before turning to see Tony flirting with their checkout girl. “Or, you know, idiotic. I think, maybe, it’s more moronic. Foolish would work too, actually.”

“ _He’s flirting with someone, isn’t he?_ ”

“Checkout girl.”

“ _Punch him for me, will you? And tell him I’m letting his company sink. I’ll call later, I’m being harrassed by suits._ ”

“Yeah, okay,” Bruce hung up and slid his phone back in his pocket before walking over to casually join Tony with a smile. “Pepper said to tell you she’s letting your company crash and burn as we speak.” 

That, of course, caught Tony’s attention, and he raised an eyebrow at him, completely forgetting about the cashier. 

“Wait, Pepper was on the phone? Why didn’t she call me? Is she on your side again? I hate when she takes your side.”

“Yeah, well, I deserve a bit of support now and then, thank you very much.” 

“I give you plenty of support! I give you moral support, and intellectual support, and even sexual support. I deserve a bit of credit for all I give you, you know.”

“Headaches are included in that, I hope.”

Tony gave him a pout and quickly paid for their groceries as Bruce put the bags in the cart, completely ignoring the cashier at this point, and Bruce could tell she looked a bit dejected, but also somewhat nervous when he looked at her, obviously having heard Tony’s comment about ‘sexual support’. Lovely. Just great.

They finished taking their bags and Bruce pulled the cart away from the checkout lane, ready to just get out of there and preferably never come back. Or, at least, never bring Tony back with him if he had to return to this store. They loaded up the back of the car with their groceries and they both got in and buckled up, but Tony didn’t turn on the car, making Bruce give him a long look.

“What now?” 

“You promised I’d get a reward.”

“You literally acted like the world’s richest five year old the entire time we were in there, and you still expect me to give you a blowjob. _Really, Tony?_ ”

“Hey, hey, you can’t just back out of a promise like that. You made me get out of bed for this. Technically, you can’t blame me for any part of my behavior while we were in there. Besides, it’s not like you couldn’t have predicted this happening. You know me. You know what I do. You have no argument here. Nothing to stand on.”

Bruce scrubbed his hand over his face for a long moment, wondering why he even put up with this anymore. But he looked back over to him and Tony was giving him _that face_ and he sighed, knowing he didn’t stand a chance.

“You are the worst. You know that, right? I should have left when I had the chance.” 

“Shut up, you know you love me. _Now suck my Iron Dick._ ” 

“That’s it, I’m walking home.”


End file.
